I’m too old for this shit

Some say how you spend your first few moments or hours of the new year will be an indicator of the next 11 months.  If so, I feel like I am in some serious horse shit.  Like, New Year’s Eve, why are you the worst holiday ever invented?!  And that’s a lot, coming from a girl who despises pretty much any and all holidays.  Before I tell the tale of my NYE, let’s go back to the 28th of December, so I can share with all of you a short chapter in my life I like to call “Austen’s First Time Snowboarding”.

Anecdote A:

For my birthday, my sister was super cute and bought me thermal underwear, a long sleeve shirt, a beanie, and liners for gloves.  This little gift was deemed a care package for a sisterly snow date at Mountain High, which is about half an hour from where I currently live with my amazing parents and my wonderful, compassionate, accepting grandmother.  I was more than happy to get away from the toxicity that is my house for a day.  So we packed our things and left for the snow.  As soon as our car was about 10 minutes from this place, I was like, “THERE ARE WHITE THINGS ON THE GROUND IN PATCHES.  WHAT IS THAT. WHAT IS GOING ON.”  Mind you, I’ve only seen snow two times in my life.  Once was when I was 5.  I only have vague memories and pictures to prove I was a little, bundled up snow bunny for the day.  The other was about 3-4 years ago in Whistler when it was 80 degrees and I was playing in snow while wearing an American Apparel tank top.  I think we can all safely conclude that I have never had a true “snow day” experience.  

I’ll try to spark notes my experience for you.  The line to purchase tickets and rentals was too long.  It was hot as hell and I had too many layers on.  One young man (who was kind of attractive) asked me how I wanted the angle of my boots on the snowboard and I just looked at him with wide, terror-filled eyes and went “I AM THE LEAST ATHLETIC PERSON ON THE PLANET.  LIKE, I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING.  I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING AT ALL. HELP”.  (Note: None of this is an exaggeration.  I wish it were.  I really wish it were).

When all of my gear was on and assembled, my sister guided me to the bunny slope to practice a bit before our private lesson.  And it was actually sort of fun.  Until I had the private lesson and wanted to bitch slap this lady so hard across the face.  She was literally the worst teacher on the planet.  Nothing she said made sense.  Everything was out of order.  She was a beginner herself and she clearly had no idea what to do.  Being a fellow educator, I was like, “THIS IS NOT HOW YOU TEACH SOMEONE TO DO THINGS.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?”.  At one point, she looked at my sister and me in disgust and asked, “Why did your parents give you those names?”  It is one thing to ask politely.  It is another to ask it in a tone that suggests our names are ugly and a pain in the ass because your tiny brain cannot remember them for more than 2 seconds.  At one point during the lesson, I turned around to the top of the mountain and shouted to a group of Asian tourists, “TURN BACK WHILE YOU STILL CAN.  DON’T DO IT!!!!!” (Again…not an exaggeration).  Other than the lesson, the rest of the day was splendid.  I was called a “Happy Grinch” by one of the workers and all was right in the world.  Seriously, mountain man – thanks for giving me the best compliment ever.

Anecdote B:

Let it be known that I do not support the festivities of NYE.  I really think that one OC episode just ruined my expectations.  Unfortunately for me, really hunky guys have NOT declared their love for me just minutes before the ball drops.  Nor have they ever kissed me passionately while some indie song provides the perfect soundtrack to a Polaroid moment.  (But let’s be honest…if this actually happened, I’d probably scream “FIRE” and then run right out of the room.  I’m 24 and still scared of boys.  Awesome).  I’m also very much a homebody.  All I want to do is stay in my pajamas, watch Netflix, and eat an exorbitant amount of dessert.  Is that too much to ask for?  I don’t like going out to clubs or bars.  You can’t talk to anyone.  You go deaf from the music.  People I don’t know are all up in my grill.  It’s just the worst.  Give me a couch and a movie over a drink and a dance floor any day.

However, this year was supposed to be different.  I was so excited to finally go to a cool party right on PCH and ring in the new year by dancing away my sorrows of 2013.  Everything started off okay and then quickly turned sour.  Some highlights:

– People trying to say hi to me and then me mumbling a hello and moving through the crowd.  I don’t like to be hit on in a bar/club.  It’s like hookup heaven, which makes it my own personal hell.  I also don’t think I’m the type of girl for someone to be like, “She’s so pretty, I should go talk to her”.  I don’t think anybody who has liked me first got to know me because they thought I was pretty.  I’m almost positive they thought I was talented or smart, and then they somehow liked my crazy and realized my face is not completely butt ugly.

– I saw some of the most awkward kisses that I have ever seen in my life.  You know those videos of snakes swallowing whole mice and other semi-large creatures?  It was like that.  I mean, complete swallowing of the head, this girl is dying and needs CPR pronto.  It was like a car wreck.  I couldn’t look away.

– At one point in time, someone in our group thought it would be a grand idea to spray us all with champagne to celebrate 2014.  That would have been okay if it had been a few sprays and then she stopped.  BUT SHE KEPT GOING.  AND GOING.  I already had several drinks spilled on me throughout the night, so this really just made me feel like I had gone through Splash Mountain, but not in a good way.  Champagne somehow got into my heels so it felt like I was treading water.  THERE WAS A SWAMP IN MY SHOE AND I WAS THE ANGRY SWAMP MONSTER.  It was not fun.

– I am, and always will be, the sober one at parties.  Nothing good comes out of drinking.  I’ve seen so many people in bad situations because of a few drinks too many.  I’m also the first to admit that I get EXTREMELY rude to incompetent drunks.  Do you know what it is like to be the only sober person at a party and be surrounded by a sea of people who you wish would just get their act together?  It sucks.  Everything takes twice as long for them.  I have no patience for you and your drunk ways.  If you are past the age of 23, get your shit together.  I’m not your mom, nor should anyone else have to be for the night.

– I don’t want to relive this last story too much because our core group decided to lock it in the vault.  All you need to know is that some drunk idiot accused a member of my group of chipping his tooth.  Everyone got up in everyone’s face.  Drunk idiot wanted to get the contact info of said perpetrator.  Drunk idiot threatened to sue said perpetrator.  Said perpetrator got bounced from the club.  Drunk idiot continued to harass all of us for a good 15 minutes.  Drunk idiot followed us to our car and wouldn’t let us leave.  At one point, drunk idiot popped his head in the car and I asked him not to get in our car.

In conclusion: I’M TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT.  Seriously…it was like the Persian version of Jersey Shore.  (Would that be “Shahs of Sunset”?).  I was terrified that this guy and his cray cray girlfriend were going to throw punches.  I’m an elementary school music teacher.  I teach kids to sing “Zip A Dee Doo Dah” all day.  Dealing with things like this make me extremely upset.  At one point, I told the bouncer he needed to ask for a raise because he shouldn’t have to put up with such childish bullshit.  He told me to tell the manager.  YADA YADA YADA.

Then I drove lovely drunk people back to their respective homes, which was not too thrilling for me because I am as blind as a bat at night.  All my friends know that I despise driving at night.  I can’t read any of the signs because my vision is so blurry.  I was terrified of being hit by a drunk driver or of accidentally hitting someone/something myself.  It was not fun.

I’m glad I did the whole “waste money I don’t have on a big NYE celebration”, but this is the last time.  I also never want to go out again.  Like, ever.  I used to have a little ritual of watching Spiderman by myself on NYE while everyone else went out.  I’m thinking of bringing that back.  Just me, some gluten free/dairy free chocolate cake, and a good old superhero.  It is so on next Dec. 31.

May your resolutions last for more than five days,

xoxo

Austen